The Cult Classic

I thought it would take longer than this before I built up enough chips for Volume Two of my Definitive Guide to Chips series. Since I’m now on the lookout for new and interesting sounding chips, I guess my chip consumption has been somewhat higher in recent weeks. So lucky you, you get some more chip reviews! After this edition, I’m probably going to need to reassess how often I’m eating chips, so don’t expect the third volume so soon.

While Volume One was overall of pretty high quality, I can’t really say the same for this second batch of chips. This is a bit of a weird one. As I’m looking for new and interesting flavors, I’m straying from my old reliable chips and am taking a lot of chances in the snack aisle these days. And honestly, most are not paying off. I also focused on a lot of Doritos this time around and man, let me tell you something, they’re way worse than I remember. I don’t know if something is up at Frito-Lay and they’re cutting corners on the Dorito dust to save a couple of nickels, but man, this might be the last you see an American Dorito showing up in this column for a while. I’ll save the gory details for later, but on the whole, we have a much more disappointing batch of chips this second time around.

As always, check out Volume One of the Definitive Guide to Chips at the link, where you can also find a written description of my review scale. Also please check out BrutalMoose’s Essential Guide to Chips series on YouTube which was the inspiration for this series.

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Classic Flavors

• Cape Cod Kettle Chips – Original: I’m not sure how much better a plain kettle chip can be. These are pleasantly salty with a nice crunch, which is a must for all kettle chips. They also avoid being overly greasy, which can be the downfall of an otherwise solid chip. As I eat these, I wonder to myself if a plain kettle chip could ever actually be better than these. And honestly, I’m not sure. But for now, these are definitely the reigning champ when it comes to just plain old chips. A classic kettle chip experience. Rating: 4/5
• Doritos – Nacho Cheese: I remember these being so much better as a kid. I haven’t had a plain Nacho Cheese Dorito in years. I was really looking forward to the intense and zesty nacho cheese flavor I remember from my childhood, only it never came. These were really underwhelming, honestly. I don’t know if these used to be cheesier back when they were called “Nacho Cheesier” when I was a kid, but these just really missed the mark. The cheese flavor overall was almost totally lacking, which allowed for the really weak corn chip flavor to come through far too much. I apparently haven’t been missing much by overlooking these when I’m looking for Doritos. I don’t think I’ll be grabbing these again in the future. Rating: 2/5
• Doritos – Cool Ranch: Pretty much everything I wrote above about the Nacho Cheese Dorito applies here too. These were always my favorite as a kid and these just… didn’t hit. There was no discernable herb or creamy flavors. These really tasted just like garlic and onion powder and that same shitty and underwhelming corn chip. This is even more confounding to me because I really enjoyed the Cool Ranch Doritos Loco Taco at Taco Bell back when they were available, especially if you swapped that shell in on a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. I don’t know if Doritos has reformulated their recipes in the recent past or something, but man, these were just awful. Another real underwhelming stroll down memory lane. Rating: 2/5
• Snyder of Berlin – BBQ: These chips are the bane of my existence. Snyder of Berlin is a regional snack company based out of Pennsylvania, which means that unless you’re in the northeast/Great Lakes region, you likely have never had to deal with their mediocre chips. They are not to be confused with Snyder of Hanover, who makes really top-tier pretzels. I don’t know why these garbage chips are so ubiquitous here when there are so many other options available, as these are just so underwhelming and disappointing in every way. The texture is disappointing, with a very thin chip lacking any satisfying crunch. The flavor is virtually non-existent. Not only do I not decern any BBQ in these chips, I barely detect salt. And they’re greasy despite having no actual flavor from being fried! Cleveland, why do you keep buying these chips? I feel like nine out of ten times I come across a BBQ chip at a family gathering or party, it’s this bullshit. Stop it! They’re terrible! Pick literally anything else! Rating: 1/5
• Fritos – Original: Can we take a moment to just appreciate the humble Frito? I feel like I never see or hear people talking about how good the plain, original Frito is, but man, this is a solid-ass corn chip. After having so many horrible Doritos for this article, I was so happy and relieved to have a corn chip that had actual flavor and texture. In addition to being a top-tier chip, they’re also surprisingly versatile from a culinary perspective. Whether it be Walking Tacos (I believe this is called a Frito Pie in the south), topping chili, or using for nachos, Fritos are great in so many applications. I’m still disappointed that Taco Bell hasn’t done the obvious and made a Frito Loco taco, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed that one day that does happen. Rating: 4/5

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Novelty Flavors

• Doritos – Sweet & Tangy BBQ: Doritos is taking a lot of Ls in this column and this chip isn’t going to reverse that trend. From what I’ve read online, these are apparently a more common Dorito flavor now despite me only recently noticing them. Again, they’re just super underwhelming on the flavor department. I’m not sure I’d even identify these as a BBQ chip without the bag telling me they were one. That shitty and underwhelming corn chip flavor overwhelms most of the BBQ flavor outside of some fake smoke which is never pleasant. There’s no sweetness or tang to be had here, only shitty corn and smoke. Just another really mediocre showing from Doritos this time around. Rating: 2/5
• Doritos – Flamin’ Hot Nacho: Guess what? These were really underwhelming too. Much like the Sweet & Tangy BBQ Doritos, there’s nothing about this that would make me guess that these were supposed to be nacho flavored. What is this flavor even supposed to be? Initially I thought this was a Flamin’ Hot version of the Spicy Nacho Dorito, but while discussing these chips with a friend, he suggested that these are supposed to be a Flamin’ Hot version of the Nacho Cheese Doritos. I have no idea which one of us is right, because determining that would require these chips to have flavor and for me to eat them again, which is not happening. The only discernable flavor here is that of the Flamin’ Hot seasoning, but even then, it’s not that hot. What’s going on over at Doritos recently? Another disappointing clunker. Rating: 1/5
• Doritos – Salsa Verde: I’m losing my goddamn mind. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO DORITOS?! Just last time around I had referred to the Salsa Verde Dorito as being one of the top tiers of the Doritos pantheon. After striking out with four other Dorito flavors in this article, I thought I’d pick a bag of these up to restore my faith in the brand as these have historically been one of my favorites. However, I learned that even these are horrible now! I last had a bag of these like two years ago, and they were exactly as I remember them being, tangy, zesty and a touch spicy. Now? They’re just bland. There’s almost no flavor at all. I get that goddamn corn chip again (which for this bag was borderline stale) and maybe a slight touch of jalapeno. There’s no tomatillo, no onion, nothing. They’re just awful. Surprisingly, these were the worst Doritos I had for this article because of the staleness. How the mighty have fallen. Rating: 1/5
• Sun Chips – Garden Salsa: I always loved Sun Chips as a kid, but for some reason I kinda fell off them as an adult and haven’t had them in years. While these were never my favorite flavor (more on that in a second), I’ve always enjoyed a good snack of Garden Salsa Sun Chips. I feel like I am becoming a bit of a broken record, because I also remember these being better. While these are definitely better than any of the Doritos I had for this article, these tasted a lot more muted than I remember. I remember this flavor actually having some pronounced spice and heat to them in the past, but that was entirely absent in this bag. On whole they kinda have that same generic, “zesty” chip flavor profile going on that a lot of the Doritos I’ve talked about in this article have, but thankfully it’s more pronounced and is not having to compete with the garbage corn chip taste that you get in Doritos nowadays. While they aren’t as good as I remember them being, these were way better than most of the other Frito-Lay product I sampled this time around. And while I might get these again in the future, that’s only if I can’t find the next chip on the shelf. Rating: 3/5
• Sun Chips – French Onion: Not only have these always been my favorite Sun Chip flavor, these were one of my favorite overall chips as a kid. And finally I can say that there’s a chip that actually tastes like I remember them tasting. These are basically Sun Chip’s take on a sour cream and onion chip, which is an absolute GOAT flavor to begin with, but these are even better than your typical sour cream and onion chip. These happen to lean a bit more strongly into the onion part of that flavor profile, and actually do a fairly great job of tasting like an actual green onion rather than just onion powder. Lots of onion chips veer into that generic “zesty” chip flavor profile due to the reliance on onion powder, but you get a really solid green onion flavor from these chips. And these are still as tasty as I remember them being. I really, really needed a win somewhere in this tasting and I’m glad that these chips were reliable and delivered one to me. Well done, French Onion Sun Chip. Thank you for finally delivering me some flavor and pulling me out of the existential crisis this column was quickly becoming. Rating: 5/5

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Imports

• Torres Selecta – Jamon Iberico (Spain): I recently discovered these at this bougie little sandwich shop/market near me and I had to try them. While I’ve never had Jamon Iberico and cannot evaluate these chips on how much they taste like the real thing, I can tell you that these were gross. Upon opening the bag (which I did in my car, which was a real mistake) I was met with a real stinky, meaty kinda smell that just did not make me overly enthusiastic to try them. Upon first taste, I did pick up on some flavors reminiscent of something like prosciutto, but upon further tastes I realized just how much I do not want my chips to taste like salted and cured pork. These were just flat out bad. Really overpowering flavor with a super weird after-taste. After a handful of chips for this tasting, I threw the remainder of the bag away, which is a rarity. These ones really earned this rating. Rating: 1/5
• Torres Selecta – Pimenton de la Vera (Spain): Another week, another trip to the bougie sandwich shop, another bag of disappointing and expensive Spanish chips. These are supposed to taste like smoked paprika, and while they were slightly better than the Jamon Iberico flavor, they were still a long ways off from being a good chip. Despite being labelled as spicy, there was no discernable heat to these chips. Hell, there was no discernable paprika flavor here, really. Just a kind of overwhelming flavor of smoke. Because the flavor was less jarringly off-putting than the Jamon Iberico flavor, I was also able to really notice the lack of quality in the chip itself here. They’re too thin to have meaningful crunch yet felt somewhat stale at the same time. I’m sorry Torres Selecta, but I’m done giving you all a shot here. You’re on the shit-list with Doritos now. Rating: 2/5
• Tako Chips – Seafood (South Korea): I knew what I was getting into with these ones.“Tako” is the Japanese word for octopus, so I knew going in these were going to be seafood flavored and not taste like a taco. As someone who likes shrimp chips and many other seafood flavored snacks, I was looking forward to that. What I wasn’t expecting is for these to also taste intensely of Ritz Crackers. These taste just enough like a Ritz where I’m picturing snacking on a buttery cracker, but then all of a sudden I’m hit with a real pungent seafood taste that almost reminds me of eating a really fishy tuna salad. That in of itself isn’t bad enough to earn these chips a 1/5, but holy goddamn the aftertaste. While these start off tasting of buttery cracker, they intensely end of fishy-ass fish and then that taste sticks around for a while. This combines into a really weird and unpleasant snacking experience overall. Never again. Rating 1/5
• Turtle Chips – Injeolmi (South Korea): My personal standout from the last batch of chips was the Choco-Churro Turtle Chips. I’ve raved about those chips to everyone I know and have forced some friends to pick them up while we were out at the Asian market together, and they have been universally beloved by everyone I know who has tried one. So when a friend mentioned that I should also try their injeolmi chips, I knew if I ever saw those out in the wild I would grab a bag. And, as luck would have it, on the very next trip to the Korean market, these were sitting there waiting for me. How were they? They were okay. Injeolmi is a Korean dish made of Korean rice cakes topped with a slightly sweet, roasted soybean powder called gomul. While I’ve never had injeolmi or gomul, I have had a similar Japanese dish called kinako in the past and greatly enjoyed it, so I was excited to try these. These taste very similar to the kinako dishes I’ve had, with a bit of peanut butter taste, only significantly less sweet and with a slight roasty undertone. These were good, but I kinda wish they pushed the flavor just a touch more. These are really subtle, and as such, I was a bit confused as to whether these are a sweet snack or a savory one because of the underlying savory chip flavor that comes through. They really rode that line for me, and I think I would’ve been more into them if they pushed the sweetness just a touch more. Rating: 3/5
• Koikeya Strong – Abare Ume (Japan): This was a surprising one for me. As much as I love Japanese food and snacks, if there’s one common Japanese ingredient that I almost universally cannot stand, it’s umeboshi. Umeboshi is a pickled fruit similar to a plum or apricot that is extremely sour and salty. I find their flavor to be absolutely overwhelming and I’ve never personally been a fan. So when I cracked a bag of umeboshi chips, I was expecting the worst. Shockingly, these were pretty tasty. The sour/salty combination here reminded me a lot of a salt and vinegar chip, which is where I want a chip to be intensely sour and salty. The slight hint of fruitiness that came in on the back end was a nice little twist, and added a slightly refreshing element to an otherwise really strong and assertive chip. Do these chips having me totally rethinking my opinion on umeboshi? No, not really. But I think I might be more willing to give some umeboshi flavored snacks a shot in the future now. Rating: 3/5

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*As noted last time, I am based in the US, all references I make to “chips” are referring to what some of my international friends and readers would call a “crisp”. I will also be occasionally lumping similar snacks like pretzels and crackers into the “chip” umbrella if the spirit ever strikes me.